I caught myself in a bit of a “SELF WORTH” situation last week.
You see, I am co-leading a group through a massive, incredible cleanse including green juice, supplements, fitness, and accountability. This is NOT my first rodeo, as some of you know. I transformed my health forever with essential oils just over 5 years ago. This was the catalyst that led to transforming my health further with nutrition. Which led to the next levels of gut health, prevention lifestyle, plant-based nutrition, sugar and gluten-free living and green juice cleansing.
I have vowed to myself to always move forward in my lifestyle, not backward.
I have overcome so much…
Here is where I hit a snag, friends.
I may have forever changed my health physically, but I have come to understand that there is still a mental + emotional piece that often causes me to stumble into an old mindset. This triggers old patterns which can prevent me from ACTUALLY healing.
I was on about day 18 of my 60 day cleanse last Saturday and I realized I was weighing myself… EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I was obsessing over the scale. I would figure out the number of days left and the predicted weight loss I SHOULD experience by the end. Even when I would calculate it all (which ps. You can’t really predict), I wasn’t satisfied with the projected, possible outcome! As a matter of fact, it wasn’t ENOUGH in my mind. I was putting pressure on myself and allowing this mindset to hijack my beautiful, healing journey.
I have cleansed via juicing, nutrition, + supplements effectively over the last 5-6 years many times, but I can honestly say, the number on the scale has NEVER been my primary focus. Weight loss has been a known side benefit, but my focus was always this…
Reduce toxicity, acidity and create a higher functioning vessel.
Eliminate the already shrinking uterine fibroid for good.
Heal adenomyosis and suspected endometriosis.
Be pain-free, during periods and always!
Be able to run without fibroid pain
Have control of my weight because I refuse to allow a hormonal disorder to trap excess weight in my body like a freakin’ hostage as it does for so many of us women.
Oh and MOST importantly, be healthy, clean and FREE that Jonas and I can start our little family.
Early in June, my focus started there, but I began to notice the obsessive “not enoughness” creeping in. This was the self-talk I began to hear the loudest in my head and I even caught the words AUDIBLY leaving my lips to my husband on several occasions:
“What if I get the saggy arm + saggy tummy and loads of stretch marks situation alllll up in here?!”
“What if I am not thin enough at the end to do my desired branding photo shoot in the fall.”
“It’s not coming off fast enough.”
“I don’t like the shape my body is taking as I lose weight.”
“I better fit into that old dress!”
“Will I love my body when I need to go dress shopping for Gala in September?”
“You SAID by the end of JUNE you would be 165, Erica... and you’re NOT close yet.”
“You’ll finally be able to be more present online with music and wellness educating when you’re skinnier - you’ll be more confident on camera.”
You are allowing fear and a serious lack of self-love dominate your cause! And the truth is… you need EMOTIONAL healing. YOU are taking YOU with you on this journey no matter WHAT you LOOK LIKE when you arrive at your destination! Girl, without TRULY healing, you are never going to be satisfied. No matter what the number says on the scale at the end of 60 days, at the end of 2019 or even 10 years from now! Erica… Where is your self worth? Your belief in yourself? Your security in your identity and who GOD says you are? Remember?!”
So you know what I did, friends? I said “GIRL! It’s time for a time out. Some rest. I told myself FIRMLY but with love, “if you can’t make this about HEALING YOURSELF FROM THE INSIDE OUT (like you’ve done before) then you don’t deserve to heal in this powerful way. Until you are ready to experience the fullness of the positivity, the energy, the everything about you GLOWING and the restoration of your mind and body, then Erica, this just can’t be the approach for you right now. This is not HEALTHY. If you can’t ALREADY love yourself just as you are, and focus on allowing this to heal you (and your obvious body dysmorphia issues and currently shaky self-worth) then you need to re-evaluate what is best for you right NOW.
So that’s what I did. Last Saturday, I told myself I was taking a day off. Which turned into resting more that weekend. Which then turned into Monday, Tuesday which became Friday then Sunday and then here we are! Still off. But after taking this past week to refocus, realign, talk it out, pray it out and dive into this awareness, I am happy to report that I feel like myself again. The true me that DOES love herself and who has gratitude for the exact body I am typing with right now… beautiful, able-bodied, and currently, very healthy. I am excited to dive back into my beautiful healing journey, but what I have come to understand that this is ALL apart of my healing. Self AWARENESS like this is something to be proud of. Self LOVE struggles like this are something to share and overcome. I love that when we share the truth about our imperfect lives, it brings healing to others around us as well.
Back at the end of May, I invited people to join me in our cleanse and I told you all in a post: “Make sure you are NOT in this for self image purposes.” What an awesome message for someone to hear. I learned something powerful last week… that someone was ME.